Talking to people about their mental health can feel like a bit of a minefield, especially as vulnerability may not come naturally to lots of us. It can feel much easier to avoid uncomfortable subjects altogether through fear of getting it wrong or misreading a situation.
What if they think I’m prying?
What if I don’t know how to help them?
What if I say the wrong thing?
With 1 in 4 people in England experiencing mental health issues each year* and 61% of UK employees experiencing mental health issues relating to work**, there shouldn’t be anything stopping us from holding open conversations about our wellbeing.
As we seek to become a more compassionate and understanding society, we must become active supporters of those in our wider circles by encouraging honest communication and active listening. But how do you start such meaningful conversations about mental wellness?
We’ve compiled ten helpful things to remember when figuring out how to talk to someone about their mental health.
Are you a Somerset SME? We’re delivering free workplace emotional wellbeing training to small and medium-sized businesses around the county. Sign up for our fully-funded mental health training.
1. Begin with a simple question.
Knowing where to start can feel like half the battle. Do you dance around the subject, or do you tackle the topic head-on?!
The answer is simple: start by asking how they’re doing.
“How are you?” can sometimes feel too broad a question to quantify when you’re experiencing a challenging time, so you could ask, “How do you feel today?” instead.
It’s the same sort of question but requires them to reflect on a specific window of time which can be far more manageable.
Talking about our mental health with someone new takes a lot of trust and courage, so the answer may not be instantly forthcoming. That’s okay. If they brush the question off, you could follow the advice from Time to Change and ask twice:
“Are you sure you’re okay? Is there anything you want to talk about today?”
If they’re reluctant to share or feel uncomfortable, reassure them that you’re there to listen whenever they’re ready.
2. Listen carefully.
If they’re ready to talk, all you need to do is listen. You don’t need to have all the answers or anything particularly profound to say in response.
Make it clear with open body language and eye contact that you’re listening and sharing the moment. As the conversation progresses, you could reassure them that you are there for them and perhaps even thank them for being so open with you.
“That sounds like a difficult thing to experience.”
“I understand it has made you feel X, but just know I’m here to listen whenever you need an ear.”
“I’m so pleased we could have this conversation and talk it through together.”
You could repeat things they’ve shared to make sure you’ve heard them correctly and demonstrate that they’ve got your undivided attention. Otherwise, providing a sympathetic ear is the best thing you can do.
3. Allow them to lead the discussion.
When someone first opens up about their mental health, our minds often fill with questions about their feelings and why they might be feeling that way, but you don’t want to overwhelm the conversation.
Let them lead the discussion at their own pace and share as little or as much as they would like. Multiple questions in a short space of time can feel a little intrusive, and it may put pressure on them to discuss things that they aren’t quite ready to talk about just yet, so take your time.
If you want to ask questions, allow them to answer fully and spend time reflecting on what they’ve said before jumping in with another. This gives the other person time to elaborate if they wish and clarifies that you’re contemplating everything they’ve said, which will hopefully encourage them to keep talking.
4. Be patient and respectful.
If you’re a solution-oriented person, you might instinctively try to fix the situation without considering what the other person may need from you.
Whilst you might soothe your mind by drafting action plans and pondering hypothetical diagnoses, that may not be the most appropriate approach for someone who wants to feel heard.
Whilst you may want to lessen their emotional distress by brushing off the difficulties they’re facing, that may not be the most empathic approach for someone who wants to feel understood.
You may think it’s reassuring to suggest that they’re just having a bad week or there’s an easy way to fix how they feel, but it can make people feel as if they’re being judged. Be patient, be respectful and try not to second guess their thoughts, feelings or actions.
Practical solutions can come later. Let them share how they feel in the here and now.
5. Try not to compare.
Try not to interject with comparisons to things you’ve experienced, at least not initially, as it can make the other person feel like their pain isn’t valid or you aren’t listening to what they have to say. Instead, give them space to share their story and process their feelings.
For example, if they’re talking to you about the end of a relationship, don’t respond by reminiscing about your own turbulent breakup and everything that caused it. You could, instead, focus on what you did to cope with feelings of loss, loneliness or grief and use those insights to better support your friend/family member/colleague.
What conversations have stuck in your mind from that time?
Whilst your lived experience is valid and may inform the way you support someone with their mental health, it’s best to focus on how they’re feeling and what they’re experiencing before sharing in-depth personal insights.
6. Ask what you can do.
You don’t need to be a mind reader. The best way to support someone struggling with their mental health is to ask how you can be of service.
“What can I do to help?”
It can be easy to assume what’s best for someone who is struggling, but it’s far better to offer them options.
“Would you like to go for a coffee and a catch-up, or would you like some help prioritising your workload?”
It can be helpful to give some examples of how you could help so they don’t feel as if they’re asking too much from you. For example, daily tasks and rituals can feel impossible to keep on top of when you’re going through a tough time. You could offer to walk into work with them or help organise their paperwork. If you’re friends outside of work, you could offer to tidy the house or cook them a delicious meal, help them with grocery shopping or run errands with them.
It doesn’t just have to be practical stuff either! Engage them in fun activities and self-care where appropriate. You could ask if they’d like to get some fresh air with you during their lunch break or meet outside of work to do something else you know they enjoy.
7. Offer help in seeking workplace wellbeing support.
Seeking professional mental health support can feel like a daunting prospect.
If it’s clear they may benefit, you could ask them if they’d like to get some help before offering to help contact the relevant teams at work, their GP or search for local therapists and online resources.
Here at New Leaf, we offer a PAYG employee counselling service for those in Somerset. You can also check out our support pages for employee wellbeing in construction, hospitality and visitor economy, agriculture, health and social care, and arts and entertainment.
By offering to help research the mental health services in the local area and build a supportive community around them, you’re reassuring them that they aren’t alone. Never presume that they’re ready to take that next step, and remember that you can’t force them to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable.
If they’re ready to take this step and you’re particularly close, you could ask them if they would like you to attend appointments, sit in the waiting room or provide transportation to get them there.
If they begin taking medication, you could offer to organise it for them in a helpful pillbox or set up a home delivery service with a local pharmacy for all of their repeat prescriptions.
If they begin counselling, you could offer to drive them to their appointments or meet with them afterwards for a coffee and a debrief.
8. Know your limits.
You can only provide so much support.
Signpost relevant helplines and mental health resources they can also turn to when they’re looking for help and encourage them to talk to other trusted friends and loved ones about their feelings.
Mindline Somerset has a confidential mental health helpline (01823 276892) that’s open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They offer a safe space for people in distress, and they share information about local mental health services in Somerset. The switchboard connects with the Samaritans and their 24-hour listening service when lines are busy.
There’s also Calm’s webchat for men or Shout’s mental health text support for anyone who is struggling, two options which might be preferable for people who don’t like phone calls.
If they don’t feel comfortable using helplines, don’t push them because that could make them feel less autonomous. Leave a helpful list of options that they can return to if and when they feel ready.
9. Prioritise your mental wellbeing.
Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally, and don’t lose sight of your wellbeing whilst you’re supporting other people with their mental health.
Do things that you enjoy. Employ some self-care. Take time to relax. Reach out for help for yourself if you need it.
Recognise and acknowledge the limits of what you can give, and be careful not to overwhelm yourself.
10. Learn more about mental health.
Learning more about mental health conditions, including symptoms and treatment options, can help us understand our friends, colleagues, and family members a little better.
It can also make us feel more confident holding those initial conversations about mental wellbeing and advocating for people in need.
Find helpful resources at Mind, Rethink Mental Illness, Calm and MHFA England.
Researching personal stories from people with similar experiences is a good place to start – just be mindful that everybody’s journey is unique!
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Mental health services for Somerset SMEs
New Leaf is working with the team at Somerset Public Health to deliver workplace emotional wellbeing training to small and medium-sized (SME) businesses across Somerset in industries that have been heavily impacted by COVID – construction, agriculture, health and social care, visitor economy, and arts and entertainment.
Sign up for our fully-funded mental health training, sign the wellbeing pledge and commit to tackling workplace wellbeing and supporting your employees. We hope this work will create a legacy for Somerset as the wellbeing capital of the UK, a place where people want to live and work or stay for a much-needed break.
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Here at New Leaf, we are passionate about empowering mindful and compassionate communication. You can delve into the archives and read some of our mental health blog posts, from how to reconnect with nature to boost your mental health to managing grief in the workplace.
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Are you keen to discover how New Leaf Workplace Wellbeing can help you act upon your corporate social responsibility and support your employees? Email Becky at [email protected] for more information.
This post was written in collaboration with Bee Higgins, the copywriter and content writer behind Vivatramp Creatives.
* Mind: Mental Health Facts and statistics
** Business in the Community, 2018: Mental Health at Work summary report
